Week 5 / Individual Counseling / 160422

1.

She said she'd been concerned about my skipping a week of counseling. We talked again about what had happened and what things were hard. Why I had no choice but to push counseling back a week — the reason was simple. Because I didn't have the confidence to study after doing counseling again, and since worrying about Friday's exam meant that doing counseling would amount to giving up my Friday subject, I told her I'd pushed it back.

2.

Counselor: A 'cup of coffee' isn't just a cup of coffee, is it.

Me: Right, coffee or tea, it's all like a gift I give to myself. - I didn't say the rest after this. But this was the important part for me. So, you know how sometimes you see some people posting verification shots at cafes saying 'a gift to myself for working hard'? I don't know in what state of mind those people wrote such things, but honestly for me this is one of the few outlets I have these days. When my heart is in turmoil I can't study, but since I still try to grind through it in my own way, I give myself a reward at least this way. It's an external reward, but since it's one of my favorite rewards I make good use of it.

This is a personal thought, but I think I go to cafes more than when I was in a couple.

3.

If I express anger to the other person without filtering it, there's a high chance I'll have to watch them take it and struggle, and when that happens, having to watch it is so hard that I can't do it. Actually, hmm, I've lived trying to cultivate the ability to empathize with others' emotions, and as that grew stronger I seem to have become very sensitive to the other person's emotions. But these things all weaken when my body is tired and worn out.

- And I also realized that if it's not face-to-face communication, there's a limit to what the phone can do.

4. There's no time

There's no time.. I'm not sure whether I can become healthy with just one day a week. The more I dig, the worse it only gets. Still, there's nowhere else to talk about it. These people are people who exist to listen, so they're all I have.