0.
Counseling pushed back a day due to reserve forces training, 9 a.m.
1.
This week's session proceeded in a quite calm atmosphere; was it because even the voice was set low? Anyway it was truly calm.
2.
The things where various complicated thoughts cross
The confusion arising from there being no great relational difference between a female friend and a girlfriend,
Was there really nothing special unique to a girlfriend as a 'lover'? And because of this absence,
what about the hurt a lover might feel?
3.
The counselor said she felt hurt because it seemed I was keeping my distance — the distance with the counselor has gotten quite close, too.
But on the other side of keeping this distance lies an inherent fear and anxiety, worried that I want to be understood but might not be able to be.
It's a fear and anxiety everyone has, but in my case, through my past failure experiences — going through conflicts arising from being different and feeling there's no solution, I try to avoid conflict by hiding myself, and the other person who senses this feels that I'm not showing my whole self and feels hurt, and this repeats. The one line the counselor guessed was actually something I'd really heard before.
4.
I should ask the people around me. Whether it's just my relationships that are like this, or whether it's the same for others too..
1) The current situation where, oddly, talking with women is more comfortable than talking with men
2) Forming new relationships with men is hard.
3) As relationship definitions become ambiguous, if I get the feeling it would've been the same even if it weren't a specific someone, then the current feeling is merely emptiness; if so, what on earth were the earlier events — were they for escaping guilt..
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