Sending Off Chelli

Because there isn't much time left now, I've decided to set you down beside me like this and write. The day to send you off is not far away. Of course, yes, you're not even a person but an animal, so it might be a little funny for me to write something like this. But in any case, since it's been over a month since you started living with me, and now it points to about a month and a half, I felt that leaving something behind would make my heart a little more at ease. So by leaving writing like this, I'm trying not to remember this present emotion and feeling only with my head. If I leave a little of it in writing like this, it won't remain only in my head but will also remain in my heart and be felt by my body too. Because I think that when a person sees, hears, and feels, they use not only the head but also the heart. Now that I've written it this way, it also feels a bit like a letter parting from someone I love.

Do you remember, the day you first came here. Do you remember the day you first came to my room. Crossing over one unfamiliar space after another, you barely made it all the way to my house. Jinseong really went through a lot. It was a day when you could plainly feel Jinseong's exhaustion. You could see him a little worn out from coaxing and soothing you on the train. That's how it was. Jinseong didn't say so, but that was how Jinseong looked to me. Now we're past the worrying stage, and it's just a matter of coming by for about three hours a day sometimes. Since I'm not an owner with endless free time, I come by briefly in my spare time to spend time with you. If I'm with you for about three hours a day, it adds up to as much time as life in Anyang. Only, as someone merely providing temporary lodging, I also had some different thoughts. A question arose, like whether it's all right to come by for only about three hours and then go back, since pets sleep more than 20 hours a day. Usually people in homes with pets spend much more time with their pets. Of course, in that sense I'm closer to a caretaker (a place to raise it), and Jinseong was closer to a dad and a parent who'd come to leave his child in someone's care.

I remember. I remember the mood of that day when you cried the first night. Even then, the days weren't cold. It wasn't snowing like now. There was no wind, and the weather on the balcony was really nice. A space pleasantly cool. On that first day you cried loudly. Whether you were welcoming the sight of me coming in at night after Jinseong left, or whether you were asking me to help because you had to hurry and adapt to a different space, you kept crying. Seeing you like that, at first I tried to harden my heart coldly, but in the end I failed completely. Jinseong told me not to open the door for you, but I broke that. It's my fault too, I suppose. To you, Chelli, governed only by the principles of behaviorist thinking, an irregular human like me may have been an unsuitable caretaker from the start. But I still always hold a 2 percent wish, even now, that maybe here was better than the bleakness your life would have faced had I not provided this space, even in this way.

You've grown bigger now, but I remember how you looked that first day you came here, when you were a little smaller. Back then, my thigh wasn't small to you. It was just right. It was enough to settle on. But at some moment you grew bigger. You really did grow. In that grown state it became hard to settle on my thigh any longer. You had to keep your balance on my thigh, swaying back and forth like pendulums giving and taking force. My friends said it was because my thighs were thin, and because of you I even thought about doing more exercise in the short term to build up my thighs. Of course, now that there's not much time left, I've long since forgotten that idea, and I've started full-body exercise again. That's already become a thing of a while ago.

I also remember the days you ate a lot of cat malt. During the first week you came, the fur you gave me was a truly impressive amount. I wondered if you had this much fur. Being a softer-hearted person than your owner, I wanted to quiet your crying a little by keeping you in the room whenever I came. To you, who would never have experienced the existence of a glass window, who wouldn't understand why on earth a glass window exists, the barrier of space that is the balcony and my room must have been so thick, impossible to cross, and a source of frustration. Only, I was the kind of caretaker who would open the door when you cried a lot. I remember the days I marveled at watching your fur fall out rapidly but only a little at a time after you ate a lot of malt. Although these days you hardly eat malt, I would gaze in wonder at how you looked back then. Along with a curiosity, wondering whether this is what a growing creature is like.

I know all too well that I'm not your priority. To you I'm probably lucky to even rank around tenth. And I know that even that tenth place is a substitute. But still, I wanted to be a meaningful lodging-provider to you. And even so, I didn't want to be too strange a lodging-provider. Sometimes I'd capture life shots of you and record sides Jinseong hadn't seen or hadn't recorded. These things seem to remain with me under the name of a happiness of my own. Thanks to that, I could send various images of you to other people, and sometimes I could borrow your name to ask after others' well-being, and so on.

I also remember the days you played happily with your toys. Even then the dragonfly toy was a more normal-looking model, but now its wings have finally fallen off and it's become a toy you no longer show any interest in. So now you play with string, but the emptiness I feel when you no longer show interest in toys you used to play with well was just like when a parent buys a child a toy and no longer sees the child playing with it. Yes, like that, animals are similar to people, so why didn't I know that - regret and something like wistfulness came over me. Though it's already become a passed emotion, these feelings often bloom in my chest.

I also remember how you wanted to get away when being disinfected. You scratched your chin so much that your scabs were scattered on the balcony and in my room. Those scabs were actually traces of a skin disease that appeared before you came to my room, and I remember the days Jinseong disinfected it to heal it, and the days I disinfected it when Jinseong couldn't come. You probably felt a slightly stinging, smarting sensation, like when a person disinfects a person's wound. I recall how you'd always pull away from the human and shake your body after disinfection. It couldn't be helped, but fortunately, thanks to the room getting good sunlight, I remember how your skin got better. Watching that wound disappear little by little, I thought you might be able to come here and leave with some decent memories.

I remember how you lay sprawled on the windowsill, basking in the sunlight. Just as Jinseong said that since you have a fur coat you're far warmer than a human, your body lying sprawled in the sunlight was truly beyond warm, to the point of being hot. I remember the look in your eyes and the postures you'd show, basking in the sun in languor and drowsiness. It was one of the happiest-looking sights in the world. I envied it. I really envied it. Your expression, as if you had everything in the world when you basked in the sun, was so different from me, who was always longing for something, that I envied it. Right, it really was like that. Looking at your contentment, I'd think, what else in the world could one possibly need.

I also remember the day you went under the bed. That was a day I'd fallen asleep on the floor. When I woke up after falling asleep on the floor, you were nowhere to be seen, and the place I rummaged around searching for you was under the bed. At first I couldn't see you even when I looked under the bed and wondered where you'd disappeared to, but looking closely you were curled up deep under the bed. Even when I told you to come out, you didn't understand and had no intention of coming out, so in the end I lifted up the bed and pulled you out. It was a hassle and tiring, but I figured you'd found some comfort, at least for a while, in that dark space under the bed. The second time you went in, I felt sorry for dragging you out by the barely-grabbable tail, but it couldn't be helped. I couldn't take the bed apart again.

I also recall how you'd come over and sleep beside me when I was lying on the floor. Actually, you probably wanted to sleep lying on my belly the way Jinseong used to let you, but even though I tried putting you on my belly, you wouldn't settle down flat, so there was only a heavy feeling. So I boldly lay on my side, and since you couldn't climb up into the narrow space, you chose the method of curling up between my arm and leg to lie down together. Because you liked pressing your skin against my clothes. So I thought. Probably you, more than the softness you could feel from a blanket, missed the warmth passed through a person's clothes. As if you somehow knew that the warmest temperature isn't something else, but living with the feeling of liking each other.

I also remember the day you cried in the middle of the night. I'd woken from sleep to go turn off the boiler, and you, seeing me move in that darkness, seemed to cry asking to be let into the room. It was before I had an exam, so since I had to go to the library the next day too, I tried to pretend I didn't hear your crying and go back to sleep, but for a while, listening to your crying, I had complicated feelings. Sorry, and on the other hand a kind of wistfulness, wondering why you couldn't sleep like me at this hour. Along with the thought that you live a life different from mine, I'd think it would be nice if you slept when I slept.

Of course, all these many thoughts may be because my guilt grew over not being able to spend even minimal time with you as the exam approached. After my throat started hurting, since the exam wasn't far off, I had no choice but to be even more neglectful of you. I'd come home late, and once home I had to rest. Resting together with you was hard, and so I had no choice but to leave you out on the balcony. I was really sorry back then. Even while thinking, on the other hand, that it couldn't be helped. It was a time that left me wondering whether I, too, am a being who thinks of 'me' before any other being. In that respect, you were no different from other people. Equally with others, you were a being who made me reflect on myself.

I remember the days you showed off your presence like that. But do you remember the days guests came to our house. Do you remember the days Jinju and Sumin came and held you, calling you pretty, the days Hyeyun and Seumin came and called you cute. I remember how those people, when they came, looked at you fondly and adored you. I remember that the star of those days was none other than 'you.' Those people really liked watching you sit still in their arms. They felt you were lovable. In reality you actually love moving around a lot, but I remember how you'd stay in a stranger's arms saying nothing. But well, such thoughts probably didn't matter much. In any case you were a really fine cat even to new people.

There were also times I'd recall the day you met Choco. Going into another cat's territory like that was the second time after Bau, and I figured that day must have been really hard for you. From Choco's standpoint you were an intruder into his territory, so it couldn't be helped, yet Jinseong and Seumin and I went together hoping you and Choco would get along well. In reality you were poised to growl and hiss and fight, though. I hope it was a decent day where you at least got some Churu, but I don't know how you'll remember it. They say that Choco has recently learned to do a 'paw,' and I get the feeling your owner might make you practice 'paw' too. No matter how I look at it, it seems like a pointless competition to me. Whether you do a paw or not, the fact that you're Chelli doesn't change.

I remember the days you rubbed your head against the foot towel. Thanks to that scene back then, even now the foot towel has come to play the role of an unofficial 'rug' where you can sit or lie down when you come into the room. I wondered why, of all things, the foot towel, but actually that 'reason' didn't matter. What mattered more was simply whether there was an object you'd take a liking to or not. So I was glad watching you rub your face on the foot towel. With a sense of relief, thinking this is a space you can manage to live in after all. Of course, considering that I'd send you back there whenever you left the foot towel while I was tidying my clothes, it seems hard to carry away only good memories.

Besides, I also remember the days you'd put your paws up on the window looking at me. I remember the meaning of that gesture asking me to open the door. Seeing your fur stuck to the glass, I'd wonder whether you always wanted to be together or wanted to be in a warm place, but thinking about it now, I think sometimes it was both and sometimes only one. When I put you on the windowsill, when the sunlight was beating down on you intensely, you didn't cry, so in the end you must have wanted a warm space. But once you'd warmed up to some degree you'd come back and look for me again, so it also meant asking to be in the same space. And now you're sleeping behind me with your face resting on the foot towel. At times like this I'd remind myself to try not to touch other objects and make noise.

Sometimes I also remember the days I'd tell you that Jinseong couldn't come. I'd say to you, 'Dad can't come today, what do we do.' I think I sometimes added, 'It's okay,' too. The days Jinseong couldn't come were really worrying days for me. Because I'm the caretaker and Jinseong is a 'parent'-like figure, and since children cry at daycare or kindergarten when a parent doesn't come because they miss their parent, that's how I felt. No matter how much an attachment formed between you and me, it would be weaker than your attachment to Jinseong, so I'd hope Jinseong's affection would always be there a little. I felt that affection many times. Especially when Jinseong was about to open the door and leave, I remember how you'd watch Jinseong from afar. Blinking your eyes. Your look that day was the day I came to know you, who really didn't want to send Jinseong off. Since you got to live together with Jinseong, I thought I was really glad.

Looking at that balcony where you'd gaze at Jinseong with such a pitiful look, I also remember the days you'd go back and forth between the blinds. Watching you go back and forth between the blinds, I was always anxious and worried. I'd even think, what if the blinds break if you fall from there. Once you nearly fell. It was a moment I was watching you, and really, thankfully, you didn't fall. If you'd fallen, Jinseong's wallet could've been wiped out. Well, since the gap between the blinds must have been a fun space for you, I understand. You must have been bored without a cat to play with.

I also remember the days you'd be beside me when I did the dishes. Since I had no choice but to do the dishes, I kept you with me in the kitchen, and seeing you startle again and again at the sound of running water and dishes clinking made me feel sorry. The reason I didn't just put you somewhere else was that I worried you'd cry or wander or go under the bed, but the kitchen must have been too noisy. Since there probably won't ever be a day I hold you in the kitchen again, if you remember it, I hope you'll forget it.

I also remember the day you brought poop into the room. Whenever I think of that day I still laugh. That was a day you were up on my back. It was morning. When I got up because I had to, there was poop stuck to the floor on the left side of my body. The shape left a trace as if you'd gotten it in your fur and then stepped on it. It was a strange feeling. I wondered whether this was the 'poop toss' I'd only heard about. Hahahaha. A few days after that, you also went around with poop dangling from the fur of your hind legs. I wondered whether this is what they mean by a poop cat, but now even that poop cat has become a memory.

I never had it in my head at all that you, who were once a gray-furred cat, would come to this space, and seeing you come and go like this, I feel there are more things in this world that can't be known. Even back when you were gray-furred and at Jinseong's restaurant, I never even had the thought that you could come here, yet in the end you came. You came and then left like this. Both the coming and the going are things that happen in an instant, it seems.

Probably, writing this to you over these few days, I intend to fold away my thoughts of you carefully and place them in a corner of my heart. This piece will probably be revised again and again and have content added. And if this piece stops being revised, that will also mean I've sorted out my thoughts about you. Probably at some moment, when these thoughts are sorted and tied up nicely and remain only as writing, you'll already have left my side long ago. I'll just occasionally look at the traces of your fur still clinging to my clothes and think, 'You once lived here,' and miss you. I think that's how it'll be. In your next life, I hope you're born as a cat in a wealthier home. I pray you're born into a home with more spacious room and a cat tower, a home with friends to play with. And I hope this short period with me remains in your memory as a decent time, so that the next time you see me you'll settle nicely into my arms.

Somehow I think I'll remember you, who made an especially different crying sound on the last day. I don't know if it was a farewell kneading, but I'm going to remember your pawing on the last day. I'm going to remember how, more than on other days, you tried to leave your scent on my hands. People too would embrace when parting, and it seems you're no different. Thank you. For letting me realize and come to understand many things thanks to you, and feel it like this while writing and thinking.