What on Earth Are Men Thinking?

What on Earth Are Men Thinking?

Author

Michael Gurian

Publisher

Joeunchaek Mandeulgi | published 2012-11-15

Category

Humanities

Book description

How does the male psyche move! Men, the past and future of humanity ...

The first topic is the intimacy-separation theory. The intimacy-separation theory probably applies to every couple. It refers to a couple coming together and pulling apart — that is, narrowing and then widening the distance. The theory that finds the balance of closeness and distance and explains the 'cycle' in which attachment and separation occur is the 'intimacy-separation' theory. Hmm... I think what we call 'push and pull' could be expressed in other words as the 'intimacy-separation theory.' Early in a relationship, while a man and woman date, women often 'give themselves up.' Then, after a few years, they come to feel caught by the man. Men, on the other hand, often feel caught by the woman early in the relationship.

The second topic is 'a sense of calling.' Men act and think throughout their lives under a 'sense of calling.' A sense of calling is the activity of seeking one's value of existence. It is thinking about what I am and why I exist. This is men's nature. A woman acts from birth with just 'one sex.' But because of the XY chromosome, men don't act with just one mechanism. Men have to find the meaning of their own life themselves and realize it. A woman finds her identity through the organ that can conceive and the oxytocin that matches it, but men are not in such an environment. So they often try to find this 'meaning of life' in a girlfriend. But when this fails, men experience great confusion. To quote the anthropologist Margaret Mead, 'Women are born women, but men are made by culture.' In my own case, I live placing very high value on 'morality,' and I want to be better than others in at least one of the things I consider important. And like most men, I want my girlfriend to tell me more of what she wants.

Third is 'emotion.' Women are better at processing emotions. They access emotion and instinct more easily and have more compassion. But men are far less capable and more immature at processing emotion. They tend to be more impulsive and easily swayed. The phrase 'emotional' can mean 'swayed by emotion,' but it can also mean having the ability to control emotion very well.

Fourth, women do it with words, men do it with action. To give a real-life example, I have a hobby of going to cafés. Saying 'let's go to a café' looks like the action of wanting to talk with a woman. This is because men have, to some degree, accepted and adapted to society's and women's demand for 'conversation.' I do like going to cafés, but the person I usually go and talk with is not a 'lover' but a 'female friend.' Because I have a rather exceptional brain, I can have 'empathetic' conversations with women. Having experienced for years carrying out the very conversational style women have among themselves, I wonder if this is my talent. For example, with friends like Jihye or Miseon, I could readily hold an 'empathetic conversation (chat).' But when I go with a lover, it's different. With a girlfriend I become very masculine. There's some talking, but mostly I express things through 'action' — namely, 'gazing.' When I go to a café with a lover, I talk a little less and end up 'gazing.' I don't know why, but maybe I do it because I think it's better for me.

Fifth, when angry. Couples fight because they're hurt or angry at each other. Usually, in a woman's case, thanks to the active secretion of oxytocin, she starts seeking someone to tell her story to. Because a woman's brain circuit knows that, given the chance to talk about what's on her mind, her oxytocin level rises and tension eases. (Oxytocin also acts as a 'painkiller.' This hormone's power to give a sense of happiness is very hard to find in men.) But what most women don't know is that men experience the opposite effect. The more a man talks, the more stressed he gets. Through life experience a man learns this about himself and, to protect himself, stops showing emotion. But that doesn't mean modern men say to their wives, 'Honey, since you're talking about your feelings your oxytocin is rising and you'll feel better, but I just feel worse.' So women need to learn how to read the signals men send. For example, fidgeting or not making eye contact is a signal that he's become uncomfortable. Ironically and inconveniently, the way to make a woman most comfortable is the way that makes a man most uncomfortable and strained.

Sixth, the bridge brain. It refers to an exceptional brain. Both I and my girlfriend are people with exceptional brains. Of course this is the case when 'comparing within the same sex'; comparing woman to man and man to woman, it's not that we're similar to that degree. I have many masculine sides, and my girlfriend has many feminine sides. But the exceptional parts are probably that I skillfully hold 'woman-to-woman conversations' with female friends, like shopping, and have a strong tendency to value the visual (color) while trying to work things out through 'conversation'; as for my girlfriend, well... I'm not really sure. I don't really know which parts are 'masculine.' She told me she saw a lot of herself reading this book, but honestly I was so busy seeing myself while reading it that I don't really recall seeing her in it. The reason I saw 'potential' in my girlfriend, and she in me, is precisely that we each have this 'bridge brain' tendency to some degree. But honestly I also have this thought: if both people are bridge brains, it might be even more tiring. Why do I think it might be better if only one side has the exceptional brain? It's probably because of my view of relationships — that people with 'similar brain structures' meeting is more desirable.

Because I judge that if thoughts, values, and emotions are similar I can share and divide more, I still hold up dating between similar people as my 'ideal,' but among others there are many who say isn't such a relationship boring — so on this point I think there's quite a difference of opinion.