Test interpretation. The test result I saw after a long while was my third test since the ones I took in high school and college. The biggest implication this time was that the values came out all the opposite (flipped) from high school, and that since I don't remember my college results, there's no clear past to compare against. Still, since it's not that any particular tendency appears very strongly but rather just a level showing a slight dominance, it seems unchanged. It's not that I've lived without major change, but it seems the dispositions more necessary for life have grown stronger.
Similar to the LCSI test I took last time, the indicator showing 'prudence' was high. Honestly, it's a question to myself how this index got so high, but when I think about whether the life I've lived so far was that 'challenging,' I had no particular sense of goals, and judging by how I'd quietly get stressed by my parents' every single word, it seems I came to pursue 'safety' by going in the direction of minimizing conflict rather than provoking it. It seems hard for my distinctive 'habit of deliberating' to disappear. Because, more than anything, perhaps because there's a way I've lived all along, it seems it was simply more comfortable to move with something decided from the moment I was born. Especially when I think of 'adventurous situations,' or having to do something entirely new, or traveling or going out somewhere, I would set even the slightest bit of my route before moving, compared to going recklessly without a plan.
In Haruki Murakami's 'Norwegian Wood' (The Age of Loss), Naoko tells Watanabe that a life without serious deliberation cannot exist for her. She said that because she has kept doing it that way all along, if she doesn't do so, her own life collapses. The protagonist understands such a person only with his 'head' and cannot understand her deep in his heart, but for the 'serious types' like the counselor or like me, it's probably one of the passages we deeply empathize with. Worrying about a life that cannot become lighter is perhaps only natural for people like me.
The habit of thinking and thinking again to take the safest possible path and to seek out the 'realistic path' will clearly be with me my whole life, and going forever as a 'mood-driven type' will be hard, but since I don't dislike this kind of methodical planning, what I need is perhaps a bit of decisiveness and the power to act. Let me stop gathering information now—it's about time I moved a little...
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