Hermann Hesse, 'Beneath the Wheel'

I enjoy reading books and like to leave traces of what I've read. But that doesn't mean I read every book with ease. In my case, I like and read better writing that carries tension in its content or in which some flow is visible. But 'Beneath the Wheel' and other works by Hesse had many parts far from my taste. So the reading pace is slow too, and it's not easy to remember the content. In the end, when I write about writing like this, I divide the content into several parts and jot down the feeling that appears in each part. This piece, too, will proceed that way. (I consider it a blessing that the habit of posting book impressions on my old Daum blog still remains.^^)

First, Part 1 is the protagonist Hans's life up until he goes to the seminary. Looking at the emotions and feelings the protagonist Hans feels, you can see that he unconsciously prefers Mr. Flaig's way of thinking more. The unidentifiable discomfort he feels toward his father, who upholds the value of 'rising in the world' and forces success, and toward the 'pastor,' who is far from the beauty and piety Hans envisions, was similar to the feelings I felt from my parents in childhood, when my values weren't yet established. It revived memories of that time when I tried to find myself through other things rather than blind 'studying' and 'success.' I was young, but somehow I had many ways of thinking that differed from my parents'. So all the more, my inner conflict was severe, and expressing it was also frequent. In a way, my parents may have viewed the young me as a so-called 'difficult child.' Even now I'm not so different.

My way of thinking in the period when values weren't yet established is not fixed to anything. So to some extent there's a need for parents, teachers, grandfathers or grandmothers to do the work of 'fixing' this way of thinking in the positive direction they envision. In Hans's case, he generally seems to have obeyed well, so I could say he's a different type from me.

Part 2 is the things he experienced after entering the monastery. The protagonist 'Hans' agonizes over the three things of 'Heilner,' studying, and ethics, and gradually comes to judge which is more valuable to himself. Hans is an almost foolishly hardworking, innocent type, while Heilner is a sensitive genius, but by that much he's closer to a friend whose own thoughts are stronger than others'. Hans comes to learn through trial and error which thing to value and prioritize more, and his anguish-filled life was not much different from the life I went through at that age. From the very everyday concern of 'schoolwork,' to 'friends,' the topic one can't help but think about most at this age, even though to adults they may not look like topics worth assigning much meaning to, in that period they were the most important subjects and made me intrigued.

One part that flustered me is precisely the kiss scene between 'Heilner' and 'Hans.' After reading this part, I even doubted whether this was really a subject dealing with 'gays,' but soon the part came where Heilner confides his worry that he's in love with a 'woman' in his hometown, so I was relieved.

'Heilner' does something that gets him disliked at school, and because of it he goes around the school in a state of implicit 'confinement'; facing this situation, Hans agonizes over whether to ignore the school's rules and go around with him, or just follow the school. After this anguish of his ends, the worry of 'grades' comes again, and probably not only I but other Korean teenagers have felt what this feeling is like.

Among my friends there weren't any of the same sort as 'Heilner.' But looking back at myself, there were parts similar to Heilner, and experiences too. It's burdensome to say specifically that those things were 'such-and-such,' but I want to say that the 'irritation' when you're placed in a hostile relationship with school teachers is truly uncomfortable beyond words.

When 'Heilner' suddenly went on a trip, I was inwardly glad, thinking I'd had a time like this last year too. I don't like to express it this way, but it's not easy to enjoy the 'freedom' of being able to leave when you want to leave this current university that's like a 'monastery.' Still, I did so several times last year, and I don't regret that choice. Rather I was satisfied, and even now I'm resolving to do so several more times once early April passes.

Part 3 is the point after Hans ultimately gives up monastery life; due to continuous stress, his stamina was exhausted to the limit, and he came home in a state where his heart had become just as confused. Even so, he didn't receive a 'welcome' worthy of the name, and that part was probably an enormous wound to him.

In the eyes of the 'pastor,' who wanted him to rise in the world, and of his 'father,' 'Hans' was nothing more than a stunted 'golden calf,' so all the more he may have had no choice but to grieve. To such a Hans, a 'woman from childhood' named 'Emma' appears again and shakes him once more, but this ends with merely resolving his curiosity about the story he'd heard from 'Heilner,' and after 'Emma' leaves, Hans seems to end up in a state with a hole punched in his heart.

When someone reaches an irreversible state, there has to be someone beside them watching and always ready to help, but Hans was not in such a situation, it seems. Whenever I was struggling, I would confide my story to my friends. Of course not to everyone, but only to the few who seemed safe to confide in, and fortunately this helped, so is that how I've held up well until now?

In the period of one's teens, which everyone surely agonized over, I have no doubt that someone who couldn't agonize then will agonize in their twenties; nevertheless, seeing among my university peers people who study only, without any agonizing, I come to feel that there are all sorts of people in the world. But I think this kind of 'agonizing' absolutely must be done now. Because you'll personally experience the 'conflict' and the 'difficulty of choice' that can only be felt by doing it now.