A positive way of thinking was not something gained so easily.
Reviving my memory, hmm, probably even up until before December I still had a lot of skeptical thoughts. I had a strong tendency to view a given phenomenon negatively rather than positively. Hmm, was it because of the atmosphere of society, because of the family atmosphere, or because I was just born that way or grew up that way—it surely isn't just any single reason, but I'm not sure whether I couldn't have stopped it. The attitude of Grandma Sandra and Mr. Luko, who showed tremendous positive energy in everything, reminds me that the atmosphere within the institution was so good it could fairly be called culture shock. I feel like I'm leaving here having received all the positive feedback I'd never yet experienced in Korea.
Maybe that's why I now have a bit of confidence. Strangely, I had confidence in my first and second years of university, but that confidence was somehow a strange confidence. The confidence that arose after coming back from the military was a confidence that knew nothing, and I began to view the world not positively but like a petit bourgeois. Time passed after I became that way, but I felt nothing in particular. The fact that I felt nothing in particular is more regrettable. It makes me reconsider whether I too was just a person somewhat steeped in inertia.
What on earth had happened to me. I tried to ponder carefully what kinds of things made me change. Probably the most everyday and easily memorable thing is the response from the students.
1. Positive feedback.
The quite old saying that praise makes even whales dance—hmm, I'd thought of it as just a saying. Literally just a 'story far removed' from me. But that story was in the process of becoming reality where I was. As Christine Koller said, the students changed step by step, little by little. Of course at first, for the first one or two years, it's hard. They struggle and everyone wants their personal space. Everyone is said to have had a hard time. Looking at the responses of students who haven't been here long, they actually do look like they're struggling. They often spit out bad words, they're frightened, and the more heartbreaking thing is that they later regret their behavior and say they're sorry. When angry, when frustrated, they expressed their emotions, but even though that's not at all what they want, they expressed it that way because for them it was the only method. They are slow. Compared to ordinary people, their pace of change is quite slow. Even ordinary people are slow—even I find my own pace of change hard to perceive—so how slow must they be? What changes them is precisely praise. According to my house manager, among the students at the place I worked, at first many would either not come out of their rooms at all, or scream and storm out every single day. The change I observed over six months is already enormous, so how much more must the change the house manager has seen be... That's how the students changed, and changed again, I suppose. And that change seems to have come to me too, at a very slow pace.
2. Becoming a model.
One phrase that was especially often written in the documents was that you must become a model. What on earth is so great about that model. A model—not a model strutting along clack-clack, but being a good example who behaves well. Being a behavioral example is not an easy thing. Because, well, there's that much to do, so it's hard. Still, I was happy to set an example. I came to believe that if you show right behavior, and show it again, and keep showing it continuously, in the end people will come to follow it. (My own sense of efficacy rose too.) My Key student 'Patrick,' who wanted to talk with someone, used to start conversations before living with me by always reaching out his hand and making noise to draw people's attention. Then I, being frustrated too, told him that when I converse, I call others by their 'names.' That probably if you call other people's names, if you call the name of the person you want to talk with, that person will look. And then he actually began calling names. Exactly from that day on. He changed his way of conversing on his own. Of course I also have this thought. Did the students really understand all my actions—from always asking whether I may sit before sitting, to asking whether they'll drink with me when I drink tea or coffee—I think it was hard for them to understand. That's right. Not everything I do while always being considerate was meant to be a model for them. Still, I thought a model truly becomes a model only when it always shows good behavior, and in my own way I think I made an effort. Becoming a bit calmer, more generous, more relaxed—those attitudes were at first a 'mask' and 'work,' but later they became a part of my life.
3. Consideration, a basic virtue.
Being good at consideration seems to have been the hardest thing. As for fortune, I could use the ingredients for food freely. So when I cooked, I didn't try to eat alone. Very occasionally, when something unexpected came up, it couldn't be helped, but still, since we generally lived together, I wanted to share. Being considerate of others, you gain a lot and also give a lot, so in my memory it was rather good. I'm truly grateful to Luko, who taught me that the time when I'm hungry can be a time when others are hungry too. After hearing that story, in the moment I'm about to eat something, I came to think of others together.
Having to always consider the students' 'preferences' when eating with them too made me vividly realize that this society is not one that forces a 'particular frame' on the individual, but a society that respects the individual's preferences. They're all grown in age, but depending on individual preference some dislike onions, some dislike tomatoes, some dislike pork. Probably in Korea this kind of line would definitely come out: "You're not a newborn baby or an elementary schooler anymore—you still pick at your food?" It doesn't come out openly, but I think there are many people who think this way inwardly. (It's regrettable.) But just gaining the belief that no one would say this kind of thing made me really happy. When someone said they don't eat onions, I just said this kind of thing: "The key to this dish is the onion, so if by chance you become interested in my cooking, I'd love for you to try it at least once. It might be terrible as you imagine, but the taste might also be fine." Wasn't it this kind of suggestion(?) that I made..
4. Closing this piece,
The two Danish men I met in Cologne reawaken important things in me. What I gained after the volunteer work ended is about a positive way of thinking and the eye for viewing the world. Beyond what I felt and assessed about myself, the people at the institution, and the people I met while traveling, all tell me lots of good things. Why was the past me skeptical, I wondered. Times when I thought of myself as positive were almost nonexistent, except for situations where someone told me I seem to think positively. So it's regrettable. Isn't this really a regrettable point. On top of that, the 'judging habits' added to that skeptical way of thinking seem to have made me say too many words that stab people like knives. Of course, the problem lies in the part of expression. It still seems I can't filter, but before speaking I want to first tell people that I hope this doesn't sound rude. And I want to tell more positive stories. Not judging stories, but that your idea is a good idea and how about pushing ahead with it as is.
Next is wanting to show good responses—I newly realize that good responses, positive responses, truly become energy for people. Before, when I began growing close with someone, my own goal was to not do the things that person dislikes, and now that's still there, but I've added one more thing to it: to better show good responses. Actually I think this is quite effective—a good response can give the other person confidence. That confidence will eventually come back to me as that person's positive thoughts and responses, so a virtuous cycle seems to start in places like this.
Ah, it seems I really fell short all this time. I fell short by a lot. I don't know why I fell short so much, but in any case I was indeed lacking. I seem to have always said many double-edged words to people. My life going forward will be made into a laughing, joyful life. A life of the kind of person who can instill confidence in people, encourage them, and tell them they did well. In Korean society, sadly, there are so many people who judge and evaluate others. I was like that too. But I don't want to do that anymore. I want to respect, and view things positively. That's probably the greatest asset I gained there.
2016/03/02
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