0. Introduction
While listening to an online education lecture, the topic of 'Adlerian psychology' came up, so I read a bit of a book for a while. The craze over Adlerian psychology, as I recall, blew up for a while before I returned to Korea. Was it a book called 'The Courage to Be Disliked'.. I looked it up and yes, this is the one; there was a time when this book was on the rankings. The word 'disliked' isn't a particularly good word, but the 'courage to be disliked' spoken of here meant, in other words, confidence in oneself. In any case, based on the phrases that came up in this book, I'd like to organize my thoughts a bit.
1. What is normal, what is happiness, what is health.
There was a time when I agonized for a long while over what 'normal' is. What a 'normal life' is, that is. Of course, even when I agonized over 'whether I'm normal or abnormal,' this word 'normal' came across as a really difficult word. Whether you're normal if you're similar to others, or whether you're normal if you have your own thoughts; the conclusion I've reached now is that being in a state where you can have 'confidence in your own life' is precisely 'normal.' Of course, society is gradually making that difficult.
'Happiness'—the 'happiness' spoken of here is at least not egoistic happiness. 'My happiness' obtained even at the cost of harming others is meaningless. That's not happiness; it's just some unwholesome thing obtained by harming others.
'Health'—there's a reason we speak of 'physical health' and 'mental health.' Both are very hard to keep healthy, but both must be healthy. This is just like 'the learning process': as in a 'virtuous cycle' where high motivation leads to interest and, after succeeding, that success experience again raises motivation, when the mind is healthy, that in turn makes the 'body' healthy through positive behavior. Since the 'body' is healthy, even when the mind hurts, you gain the strength to recover quickly. But if either one of these two goes off-track, a vicious cycle begins.
2. The meaning of life is not something given but something you find for yourself.
This is a truly resonant saying. The 'meaning of life' someone bestows on you is bound to disappear quickly. Just like freshly made bubbles. Anyone who has made soap bubbles knows—you wish they would last forever. But things made so 'lightly' vanish quickly. Our task is to harden the sandcastle rather than leave it a 'sandcastle.' And to do so by 'my own will.' What's important here is not the premise that there must be no 'help from others,' but that you can receive help from others, but your own will is more important. The meaning of my life is something 'I bestow'; it doesn't last just because someone makes it for me.
3. From life's tasks, don't run away; muster courage and go with them.
Looking at something someone wrote, they defined Adlerian psychology as 'the psychology of courage,' and I wonder if that's what this means. What is the life task given to me now? The life task I chose and decided on is, right now, the 'exam.' I came back early because of the exam, and these days I live for the exam. Thinking I should cut down my guitar time a bit more, I no longer go after lunchtime, but in the evening after finishing I do stop by, wanting to drop in even briefly. But setting that aside, I do have some doubt about whether I truly have courage regarding the 'exam.' Honestly, there's more uncertainty. Still, as this sentence says, I must muster courage. I have to go with conviction about the path I take. Since I chose it, I should know how to take responsibility. When I do, the result I want is more likely to come. And only then will there be no regret.
4. Others do not exist to fulfill my expectations.
Many people, while agreeing with this saying, may find themselves unable to put it into action. In the past I too clearly didn't properly 'feel' this idea. The fact that others don't exist to fulfill my expectations applies to all human relationships. Relationships between children, between lovers, between friends, with parents, with younger siblings—all of them. It connects with what I wrote before about 'first impressions.' That in viewing someone, from the moment you form a 'first impression' of that person, you come to see them only from your own viewpoint. Let's keep in mind that others live for 'others' goals,' never for my wishes.
But quite a few of the people around me may view 'others' as objects to fulfill their own expectations. This isn't easy to know until you become aware of it. It seems only ceaseless self-reflection and introspection make it possible. Thinking about it now, for 25 years I failed to properly realize this, and only recently am I rapidly realizing it..
5. Originally, understanding another person is impossible.
This book too used the story of Mars and Venus to explain 'the impossibility of understanding another person.' But my thinking on this part is a little different. You may not be able to analyze 'the other.' But I think looking at the other is possible. Certainly the 'understanding' spoken of here, that is, perfect understanding, is hard. But aside from perfect understanding, I think the method of knowing how to look at and accept the other person is possible. Am I being too positive? Well, whatever, these days I think this way. I think that if you just take time and slowly observe the other person, at some point you'll unconsciously come to know what kind of person they are. The thing is, I don't know whether the other people will tolerate this. I wish they had patience and forbearance like me; I hope there are many such people around me.
6. 'Because I've already grown old enough that I no longer need to prove that I myself am good at things.'
This is something said by a certain musician who appears in the book. Honestly, things have been a bit ambiguous lately. I'm a senior, in my final semester, and I wanted to prove to myself that I'm somehow 'good at things,' so being freed from that burden makes me happy. Really happy. This was a saying I needed. Rather than doing things to show someone else, or to see for myself, I want to do the things I want to do, that I choose, that I can take responsibility for. Right now, and going forward.
7. Let's change the viewpoint about oneself.
My viewpoint about myself.. right, it's not that I haven't lived hard all this time, but I get the feeling my viewpoint was a bit wrong. It's a question of how I'll view myself. Whether to view myself as an 'I' that only thinks about others' gaze, or to cultivate myself as a person who seeks out the things I want to do and can take responsibility for.
8. 'I decide.'
This is a saying that expresses the idea opposing 'determinism,' the core of Adlerian psychology. That is, it can be seen as the most decisive reason Adler, after walking the same path as Freud, broke away. Freud sought the root of all problems in 'childhood experiences' and 'the unconscious.' He said that what is determined this way cannot be fixed. But Adler didn't think so. He thought that even the 'problems' I currently have can ultimately 'be solved by me.' The saying that it ultimately depends on me is a theory different from Freud's psychosexual determinism theory. Like Erikson, for humans, for me, the possibility of change always exists.
9. At the moment of choosing an action, the responsibility for that choice lies with the person who chose it.
I got chills reading this sentence. Haha, since there are so many things I've chosen, I don't want to spell this one out. I think it's enough to just let it flow through my mind.
10. Self-acceptance, trust in others, contribution to others.
Self-acceptance: accept myself
Trust in others: believe in other people
Contribution to others: contribute to other people
Self-acceptance seems to be coming along, and contribution to others is something I've been trying my hardest at lately too, but this 'trust in others' is a concept I still haven't quite grasped. I have no real feel for how to think or feel that you 'trust' another person. Trusting others, hmm—for example, would it be like this: when I look at Woo-hyuk, Na-young, or Jun-hyuk and hold the belief that 'these kids can do it on their own,' is that what's called 'trust in others'? If it's that, I think I could try it. Believing in others is my specialty. I do worry a bit much, but that worry seems to be gradually disappearing too. Everyone has their own 'abilities,' so I think I need to give more of the belief that those people can do well. I hope this idea of mine about trust in others is correct.
11. Praise Belief
'Praise' is something done by a person above to a person below. Ah, I'd been feeling something was wrong lately, and this gives me the answer. It's not about giving 'praise.' I want to encourage others. I want to give them the belief that they can do well. I want to give them a 'belief' through which they can have the confidence that they too are quite fine, good people.
What I can give to others is belief,
and what I can give to myself is, again, belief.
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